When Bad Fashion Attacks

I so wish you could see what I see when I am out for my run. A few days ago I talked about the lady running in high heeled sneakers and lest you think I’m lying, I will take my camera with me on one of my “off” days when I’m walking. I did not realize that this new hobby of mine would expose me to a world of fashion faux pas formerly unknown to me. As if I needed something new to obsess about.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no fashion plate. My summer wardrobe consists of khakis and t-shirts. If it’s really hot, I’ll wear khaki shorts. But my simple wardrobe means that very little can go wrong and, therefore, I can preside over Fashion Court, judging couture wannabes in their Hootchi and Offendi threads. The motto in my court: Just because you can does not mean you should! Let’s discuss.

This crack is wack!Super low riders with exposed butt crack. Maybe that’s a runway La Perla thong that you’re wearing. If so and you really, really insist that I see it, wear it on the outside of your low riders so that at least you are acknowledging your tastelessness. And you know what else? You may have paid a plastic surgeon thousands of dollars for butt cheek implants, but (no pun intended) I still don’t want to see it.

Uggs in summer. Whether with summer dresses or a micro-mini, you don’t look stylish. You look silly. If you read my Hamster Grrl interview, you will know that this is one of my biggest summertime fashion pet peeves. If you didn’t read the interview, please write a 500-word essay entitled, “Why I Do Not Find Dingo So Fascinating That I Want To Read Every Gem That Springs From Her Fingertips.” I can’t say that I will get the essay back to you anytime soon. I still have 25 papers to grade and Spring Break is almost over.

I bet she has pantylines too!Exposed bra straps. For the love of Tim Gunn, please do not show me your underwear! This isn’t just about the spaghetti strap wearing crowd who wears a bra in a vibrant contrasting hue such as purple or orange. This is also for the halter and tube-top wearing hellhounds who think that the rest of us won’t notice that not only are their straps showing but so is the top portion of their bras!!

I don’t care if it’s from Victoria’s Secret. I don’t care if your ta-tas are so surgically enhanced that they require not just underwire but the entire San Francisco trolley cable system. Bounce back into Victoria’s Secret where you bought the bra you are so intent on revealing and buy something a) strapless or b) that has one of those weird bra-strap configurations that makes your bra look strapless. See, easy. Fashion problem solved. Spread the word.

White hose with black shoes. When were you voted Ms. Quaker Oats? Unless you are wearing this horrid combination to a Halloween party in which you are a Pilgrim or a French Maid, cease and desist immediately. Like how I got all lawyer-like on you there? Yes, I have a completely irrational loathing for this particular ensemble and I will slap a restraining order on your Mayflower Madame legs if I see you walking down the street in such legwear.

Open-toed shoes with your toes hanging over the edge. Call a toe truck, I see a wreck! What happened here? Did you just finish the dance marathon with Mr. Two-Left-Feet or did your toes spontaneously grow an inch last night? Did you buy size-8 shoes for your size-10 feet or are those hand-me-downs? I ask these questions rhetorically, of course. Whatever your reasoning, dangling your piggies over the edge like that is animal cruelty, and someone should call the ASPCA. This also applies to your heels hanging off the back of your shoe.

My rollerblades have a rubber bulge on the back that enables me to brake as I’m careening precariously along NYC streets. I assume your heel hanging over the back of your shoe serves the same purpose. Are you afraid that you might be walking too fast to stop at the Ugg outlet and need to screech to a stop? Here’s a suggestion: fall backwards onto your super low riders to make that quick stop, but please, please wear shoes big enough to fit your gnarly toes and calloused heels.

These are just a few of my summer pet peeves. I will add more to the list as the hot weather sets in and people go mad from the heat and start wearing things like socks with sandals. I really need a fashion police badge.