Modes of Transportation: A Bevy of Asshats

I was going to post about this asshat I once knew.

In fact, Asshat was our code name for him.

But alas, I cannot do that. Please guess why.

In lieu of that, a short diatribe on the asshats I encounter daily.

Driving Asshats
People in Chicago think that they are the only ones driving. They will run you over just because they are going somewhere and you are in their way. Or just because. I’ve come to learn that’s just the way it is. But what really gets my goat is when these inconsiderate motorists begin honking at red lights. Folks, listen when I tell you, the red light cannot hear you. It will not change colors because your car makes noise at you. Similarly, I will not endanger and drive through the red light just because you are announcing your irritation with a car horn.

Look, I get it, life is hard. Bad things happen to you. Red lights make it impossible for you to run others over. But shut the hell up about it asshat.

Walking Asshats
In seeming rebellion against the millions of asshat drivers, the pedestrians in this town are also out of control. They pop out from behind parked cars to jaywalk across busy roads. They hustle and bustle while talking on their cell phones and darting in front of cabs. When you are a pedestrian, you hate the drivers for cutting too close to you in their drive to get everywhere as quickly as possible. Likewise, drivers curse the heavens that pedestrians exist and pay no heed to road signs. These asshats think that just because the drivers are crappy that they can do as the please. Even if it means playing in traffic.

Bike Riding Asshats
Pedestrians and motorists can agree on only one thing: bike riders are the worst. And I’m taking bicycles, not motorcycles. The worst.

They act like cars. When they want. They act like pedestrians. When they want. I’ve seen them use the left turn lane at 6-way intersections. And then decide they don’t need to wait for the light like a car would. I have personal had a bike rider run into me while I was on foot because he was too busy breaking traffic laws to notice me. I’ve seen them run directly into the side of buses they were trying to outrun (no injuries, thank God). Essentially, bike riders move at fast pace and think they are above the law. Any law. Unwritten rules, not for them. There is not bike riders code I can see except for one rule: I’ll bike where I want.

These asshats are the single most dangerous thing traveling on Chicago streets today. Because you can never tell what they’re about to do. There is no code, only lawlessness. Apparently they believe they are living in the Thunderdome. Which clearly has no occurred because I’m still wearing heels, you asshats.

Metra Riding Asshats
I have yet to meet any. Yet.

Does that mean it’s me?