Candy Land

I am tired. Dog-butt tired. I have no idea what that means but it’s a phrase I’ve used almost all my life. Maybe when Dingo Girl is dragging her ass across the floor it doesn’t mean that she needs her anal glands expressed (AGAIN!), it’s just that her butt is tired. Too tired to lift itself off the floor. Yeah, that sounds about right. Now that I think about it, that’s a pretty good description of how I feel. Too tired to lift my ass off the floor. Thus, dog-butt tired.

Part of the reason I’m tired is these damn mosquitoes. I just can’t get any sleep so I mainline Benedryl to stop the itching and scratching. I eventually fall asleep but wake up groggy and irritable and remain so throughout the following day. I know! Me? Irritable? Hard to believe but true. Just ask Mr. Dingo who, if he knows what’s good for him, will deny that I have anything but a sunny disposition. Oh wait, did that just come across as irritable?

I think, however, that I may have remedied the mosquito problem. After the Listerine hoax, I searched the internet for solutions. There were quite a few sites that had organic and non-toxic suggestions. One web site stated that mosquitoes hate peppermint, eucalyptus, and lavender. It recommended mixing one or more of those essential oils with olive oil to keep the mosquitoes at bay. As it happened, I had those essential oils on hand from my brief stint in aromatherapy. I had visions of making and marketing my own body scrubs, soaps, and candles. Unfortunately, I realized that Lush and Sabon had already cornered the market on those goodies and I’m too much of a product whore to make my own when I can just go down the street and buy it from someone else. Dingo, keeping the economy afloat since 1969.

So, I slathered myself with olive oil and peppermint and walked around smelling like candy. At first, the whole covered-in-olive-oil thing seemed like it might have some practical applications for the bedroom, if you know what I mean. But no, as I’ve said before, between Dingo Girl and Not a Dingo my apartment looks like the shag carpeting inside the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine (Oh come on, you just know that the Mystery Machine was rockin’ the shag carpeting!). Just the other day I opened a brand new bar of soap and found a Dingo Girl hair in the box. WTF? So less than five nanoseconds after massaging the peppermint tinged olive oil into my skin (I was hoping the scent would quickly dissipate and be smelled only by the pesky mosquitoes, because really, who wants to smell like a Junior Mint?) I was covered in pet hair. And I left olive oil stains in the shape of my fat, oily ass on our couch. I thought the olive oil would quickly absorb into my dry-as-the-Sahara skin but it was not to be. Needless to say, Mr. Dingo did not find my Bertolli laden fur coat at all appealing. He can be so picky sometimes.

I slid into bed with visions of sugarplums and York Peppermint Patties dancing in my head, hoping for a mosquito free night of sleep. I took a Benadryl for good measure and woke up… looking like I’d fallen into a vat of radioactive liquid. I did not apply the olive oil concoction to my face. My face is oily enough without me adding to its troubles. In summer months when I lay the sunscreen on extra heavy, I get notices and warnings from Greenpeace and other do-gooders haranguing me about the wildlife that has been injured as a result of my mobile oil slick. I’ve had one or two mosquito bites on my neck but haven’t had to worry about them being so bold as to actually bite my face. Until last night. I woke up this morning with mosquito bites the size of manhole covers on my face. I look like the Elephant Man. Money’s been tight around here lately so I’m keeping an eye on Mr. Dingo. I am not taking his jokes to sell me to a freak show lightly.

But back to my remedy. After the fantastic failure of the Bertolli Oil Peppermint Campaign, Mr. Dingo suggested that I go to Hammacher Schlemmer and pick up one of their indoor/outdoor Natural Attractant Mosquito Traps. It was quite the investment but if it works then you and Mr. Dingo will not have to hear me bitching about the mosquitoes again, I’ll get some sleep and all will be right in Dingo world. If it doesn’t work, I want to return it for The Hydrofoil Water Scooter or the Mechanical Core Muscle Trainer. I don’t have the space or the place to use either, but don’t they look fun?